Blog

Are you looking for ways to remember your loved ones this Christmas?

It’s 1st December today and I always feel that once the Advent Calenders are out and being opened, it’s getting close to Christmas. My Mum died on 17th December 1996. She was only 52. I am 51 so I am feeling a bit ‘weird’ as I get closer to the same age that she was when she died. That’s another blog post!  She loved Christmas as she was so family-orientated. She enjoyed the fact that we were lucky enough, as a family, to be close which meant that we always got together over Christmas and she would definitely spoil my brother and I! She was also a Primary School teacher so the run up to Christmas for her class was always quite ‘full on’!  I therefore too enjoy the Christmas season, despite the over-commercialisation and I do recognise the pressures it can put on individuals, families and relationships.  I take the time to remember my Mum’s enjoyment of this time of year but also reflect on those less fortunate.

Whether you have recently suffered the loss of a loved one or whether it was a while ago, I am sure you are simply missing their presence. There are special ways of  honouring your loved one’s life, love and legacy at this time of year.

Candles: I light a candle every evening for my Mum. Candles are a very symbolic. They represent light in the sometimes darkness of life. You could choose one in your loved one’s favourite colour or in a fragrance that reminds you of them. She loved lavender and although that’s not a traditional Christmas smell, I do it all the same.

Presents: I know I can’t give my Mum her Christmas present any more but what I do is that I give a present in her name. It’s normally to a children’s charity (as she was so fond of children) and you can find these sorts of opportunities online. They are so grateful.

Baubles: It’s a lovely idea to create a bauble for your family’s Christmas tree that sums up your loved one. You can buy baubles in which you can place a photo of your loved one, or maybe consider a bauble that represents them in some sort of way. People say that when you see a robin, your loved one is near….

Twelve Days of Random Acts of Kindness:  Instead of the “Twelve Days of Christmas,” do “Twelve Days of Random Acts of Kindness”.  Each day, do one random act of kindness in your loved one’s name, such as paying for the coffee of the person standing behind you in line, or making an effort to talk to someone. Kindness is a wonderful way to celebrate the positive impact your loved one had on the world. I haven’t done this yet but I am starting today.

That’s just a few ideas that might help make this season more meaningful for you and not too sad. Celebrating a persons’ life and the impact that it had on yours is not just commemorating them but it can lift your spirits too and create positivity in the World.

Have you got a significant marriage milestone coming up? Perhaps you’ve made it to 2, 5, 10, 25 or 50 years together. Maybe you just want to reaffirm your love for each other and your commitment to each other.

A vow renewal ceremony is a fantastic way to do this. It’s an opportunity to commemorate and honour your marriage.  You will be celebrating the love which has deepened and matured between you both with your close friends and family.

Here are some examples of  ‘new’ vows that I worked with a couple recently to create….

“You make my joys greater, my sorrows more bearable, and my spirit known. I promise you nothing less than the rest of my life.”

“You are the love of my life. You make me happier than I could ever have imagined and feel more love than I ever thought possible.”

There is a wonderful poem by Wilferd Arlan Paterson. It seems to sum up perfectly the bond created when a couple are married.

The Art of a Good Marriage by Wilfred Arlan Peterson

Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens.
A good marriage must be created. In marriage the little things are the big things.
It is never being too old to hold hands.
It is remembering to say “I love you” at least once a day.
It is never going to sleep angry.
It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon, it should continue through the years.
It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together facing the world. It is forming a circle of love that gathers the whole family.
It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy.
It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways.
It is not looking for perfection in each other.
It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humour.
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget.
It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow old.
It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal.
It is not only marrying the right partner; it is being the right partner.

If a vow renewal ceremony feels right for you and it’s the right time, please get in touch.

I am often asked about whether it’s ‘OK’ to have Godparents at a Naming Ceremony.  Each naming ceremony is unique because there is no set script or pattern. And this is what so many parents value about this welcoming of the child into the wider circle of family and friends. Parents can choose every aspect of the celebration, from the statements of commitment to the child’s future, to readings and music as ways of symbolising the welcome to that child. Since the ceremony is not religious, the phrase ‘Godparent’ is probably not appropriate. But parents often want to invite family members or friends to take a special interest in the child’s development, be there as a listening ear, giving advice and guidance, and also to support the parents. So what to call these individuals? Some people like ‘sponsor’, ‘mentor’ or ‘guiding adult’ or ‘guardian’. Guardian does have a particular legal meaning so maybe should be avoided. ‘Supporting adult’ is popular, as is, would you believe ‘odd parent’ for those with a particular sense of humour!

These special people in the ceremony can make a promise to the child. One I wrote recently was:

“Cathy and Kate, do you formally accept a commitment to this child, to offer friendship and sanctuary, so that she can turn to you in times of doubt or difficulty with confidence and trust?”

Their reply: A simple “We Do”.

I came across this poem the other day, having never seen it before. It is quite simple but insightful I think. I am looking foward to sharing it with couples when I meet them to discuss their wedding celebrations.

Maybe…We are supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift

Maybe…it is true that we don’t know what we have got until we lose it, but it is also true that we don’t know what we have been missing until it arrives

Maybe…the happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way

Maybe…the best kind of love is the kind you can sit on a sofa together and never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had

Maybe…you shouldn’t go for looks; they can deceive. Don’t go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

Maybe…you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy

Maybe… Love is not about finding the perfect person, it’s about learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

Funerals are more commonly now a real celebration of life. A tribute to the deceased’s life instead of mourning their death. I try to ensure the funerals I write and conduct rejoice in memories of the triumphs, the relationships, the best and happy times spent with their loved one. The tone is usually happy rather than mournful, celebratory instead of sombre.

And at these sorts of ‘Celebration of Life’, you’re more likely to hear Monty Python’s Always Look On The Bright Side of Life, the most popular song played at UK funerals – than Verdi’s Requiem.

Below is a video of a ‘joke’ the deceased played on his family and friends at his graveside. Apologises for the swearing! He said he wanted everyone to go away from his funeral with a smile on their faces. My thoughts exactly!

Anyone who has tied the knot will tell you it’s scary how quickly the big day comes around. One minute, time seems to be on your side, and the next, your caterer is firming up vegetarian numbers, you are finalising your vows with your Celebrant and also having your final wedding dress fitting! If you’re getting married in 2020 and you have yet to settle on your theme, maybe think about the wedding colours that are trending for 2020. The five pretty colours are:

Emerald, Lemon, Pink, Blush and Deep Berry

But of course, it’s your day so go with whatever theme and colour feels right for you!

Sure, the flowers may be gone, but there is still a lot to love about the season.  What we lose in flowers, we more than gain in fruits.

We probably have lots of happy memories about the summer that’s gone. We may have done a lot of socialising over those summer months. The weather is normally good (!?) and conducive to getting together with family and friends. The longer days gave us more possibilities to do ‘stuff’ and get out and about. We’ve been on holiday, away from the more possibly mundane aspects of our lives. A break from reality. Which can be good and bad.

We may mourn the passing of summer. Time certainly marches on. We must see the joy in all the seasons, even though we now need to wear raincoats and warm jumpers. So please look to the joy in this equally bountiful season. Think of opportunities to reflect on sunny, happy times. Be thankful for those and the warm sun. The refreshing sea. Autumn gives us a chance to be more cosy and stay close to those we love.

There is a quote that says, “Time is free, but it is priceless. You can’t own it, but you can use it. You can’t keep it, but you can spend it. Once you have lost it, you can never get it back.”

I love Autumn because  I think about the last few months that were so different to where we are now. It’s not quite as cold and dark as winter… yet!

“Everyone must take time to sit and watch the leaves turn.”